Apartment Therapy

On loving and leaving New York

Hi friends,

I won’t bury the lead — we’re moving out of NYC this summer.

This decision has had me in my head a lot. My baseline of being in my head is already more than “normal” so that’s saying something!! So, I did what any oldest daughter would do — I made a list. That list morphed into this (probably too earnest) post. Turns out, I have many thoughts/feels about how and where we build our homes as young adults and the things we take with us, literally and figuratively, as a result of those choices.

Hopefully this will be relatable if you’re also facing a time of transition? If not, Substack makes it easy to disassociate that anyone actually reads these! Cue my vulnerability hangover!

— Cait

Hate to be a millennial cliché off-the-bat and mention star signs, but I fear I must! I’m not a classic Cancer, in the way Cancers are often pigeon-holed — homebodies, who like laying low/being cozy. Of course, I also like those things! But I’ve typically lived in opposition to that stereotype — always making plans, infamously bad at relaxing. Being in New York these past five years has taught me a lot about the joy of being out and about and, equally, the importance of building your home base. Your “shell” if you will. And I mean that both aesthetically (important!) and with the people you love (even more important!).

We moved to NYC with a couch, a mattress and a dream, basically. We took our time furnishing our first New York apartment almost from scratch. Real ones know the deeply OCD, borderline-psycho lengths I went to mapping every room out in Google Slides. Now, I’m delighted whenever I see a stack of used books we’ve collected, a ceramic painstakingly sourced on Etsy or a piece of art picked up during a trip. For those of us in semi-permanent/rental situations, these items are your anchors — a way to make somebody else’s home feel like your own.

Our apartments, according to Ro.

We’ve been lucky to set up shop in some really great NYC apartments, three in total. But with every great NYC apartment, there’s always a “gotcha” — it’s just a matter of time before you figure out what that is. Our poor pals have had to listen to us vent about lotssss of challenges (flooding, leaks, water damage, spontaneously combusting glass tables due to subway vibrations, HVAC pipes mis-installed that clang all night behind your bed…) to which they’ll say “That’s New York!” And they’re right! It’s a city that is literally known for chewing you up and spitting you out! Living situations chief among that. We’ve heard war stories from friends here who’ve had no heat/hot water for months in the winter, mice inside couch cushions, black mold mushrooms growing out of ceilings, neighbors lighting daily fires inside and one untimely elevator death that made national news… It’s, simply, a cost of doing business!

Some of said “challenges”…

However! For every time I’ve panic-googled “how to kill a cockroach should you squish it?” (the answer is no) I’ll have one of those perfect New York days where you eat an incredible meal and see something so gorgeous and historic you can’t believe you get to just walk by it in the place where you LIVE! Or, you’ll be checking out at the grocery store and realize the person buying a fennel bulb in front of you is actually Keri Russell — a thing that happened to me a few weeks ago. And “That’s New York!” but in a positive way. These magic moments occur almost daily. In my experience, apartment or otherwise, the good far outweighs the bad.

I heard a quote (let’s be real, probably saw a meme) that said New York helps you grow into the person you always wanted to be. In my experience, it’s more accurate to say New York shows you who you really are. Things move so quickly that you have no choice but to get firm in yourself or get swept away. I’ve learned more about my capacity to be nimble, how to make hard decisions, what’s actually important and what I genuinely LIKE in the last five years than in the prior 10 combined! From there, you find like-minded people, your favorite spots, maybe some mentors. In a city so big it can feel isolating, those people and little pockets are what make it yours.

Unique New York 🥹

Because of all that, it’s been near impossible (until recently) for me to think about leaving. Despite signals that I should! The rub is that you can never be done with New York. I could live here until I was 100 and would likely still have 300+ places on my want to go map. As a dopamine junkie, that’s compelling!

I’ve also derived a lot of self esteem from my ability to “make it in the big city” — to self-start, self-fund, be self-sufficient. I felt like I’d be a failure if I didn’t reach the requisite 10 years here to become a real New Yorker. But, for all intents and purposes, I DID “make it” — I created multiple homes with Mike and Rosie, got married (twice), found lifelong friends, hosted out-of-town guests, booked dream jobs, ate the best food, traveled a ton with people I love.

The juice was very, very worth the squeeze.

I really do ❤️ NY

So, we’re taking what I’ve been jokingly calling a “New York Leave of Absence.” For a few reasons, but kicked off by the fact that our landlords are moving back from CA this summer. The decision was made easier last week when a terrifying family emergency turned into an actual miracle. It sharpened my focus immediately. As cheesy as it sounds, being close to the people you love really IS what life’s all about! Hug your Dad and thank your nurses, everyone!! Special shoutout everyone’s favorite transatlantic nurse, Jess, for her countless consults that made my waking-nightmare *slightly* less scary. She even explained the physiology of the heart via emojis for Nick and I — which is deeply Chris Pan-coded. Thanks also to Dad’s fans (many are OT readers!) that checked in on him/us daily. I’m so grateful and will remember it always.

A rare pic of two people who both hate being photographed!

So, the dream is to be bi-coastal, but for now — all signs point to a chapter in Portland. For how long? Don’t know! When OT guest editor Nora met my brother and my sister-in-law in NYC (over perfect pints of Guinness at Swift Hibernian) she asked if he and my family were excited to have us closer to home. He laughed, slowly saying “yes…” in a tentative way, like you would around an animal that might spook. Which — fair! He knows that we haven’t previously prioritized rooting in any one place, in the traditional sense (mortgage, kids etc). For someone who loves a plan, I’ve never had a five-year one!

But, as my very chic and wise friend Brittny keeps reassuring me, nothing is signed in blood. Being our own landlord sounds compelling, but I firmly believe there’s beauty in future flexibility, too. We’ve witnessed pals (like another OT guest editor, Nicole) take similar leaps of faith to different cities for work or otherwise and been very glad they did. Portland is our destination right now, but in a few years a job opportunity could pop up in another place we’re curious about (manifesting LA or London 🤞) and timing might be right for that! Or, maybe we’ll be eager to get back to NYC! Or, we’ll love life in the PNW so much we stay for decades! I’m open to all possibilities.

I’ve been away from Portland as long as I lived there — 18 years! Which feels impossible, since we’re still 28, right?? RIGHT?? Jokes aside, I can’t wait for the casualness of being close enough to send my brother a “I made too much <fill in the blank food>, come over” weeknight text or to watch an award show on a friend’s couch that we previously would be group-texting during. I want to hang with my parents in the retirement that I’m forcing encouraging them to take, spoil my nephew in person, go on weekends trips to see my Seattle gals, draft this very newsletter sitting across a table from Rach, as opposed to across the country! I just teared up writing that, so maybe I’m a textbook Cancer after all!!

I’ve always maintained that Portland summers are unmatched!!

The idea for this post started with making a list, so it only feels right to end with one. Illustrator Mari Andrew posted this in 2020 right before we moved to NYC and I immediately saved it to my favorites folder. I don’t relate to everything she wrote but I think that’s New York — a true give and take, an individual experience. And it really has given me so much. I’m excited to see what Portland gives next.